Monday, March 08, 2004

The Mystery of the Phantom Pisser
Mrs. Robinns, school aide and office assistant extraordinaire, has been assigned to help me out in the second half of my 4th and 5th period double block. I guess things are somewhat calmer with her around, although she certainly doesn’t do any disciplining. She at least allows me to run around somewhat less like a headless chicken as she helps out her favorite girls and I can get to others.

This day was a day like many others, chaos bubbling up towards riot while every single girl in class asked to go the bathroom at least once. I was flustered and sick of it and began telling them all no. It was so chaotic in there (another failed attempt at groupwork) that I don’t even remember who asked to go to the bathroom when. I was spinning like a figure skater in there deflecting girls left and right with large sweeps of my arms and loud burst of “Sit down, no!”

The bell finally rang and the kids quickly pushed their disorderly way out, all save a small group of girls huddled up at the front of the room.

“Okay guys, lets go, hasta manana,” I urged eager to get out of there and to my lunch. They didn’t budge, though they did giggle awkwardly.

“Mister, Mister, Pee Pee!” Dainy finally managed to tell me, pointing and covering her face in embarrassment. She was pointing to a puddle on the floor.

I looked around. Mrs. Robinns was gone. There was a puddle of piss on the floor. I had no idea what to do. Only one thing was certain; one of my students was a goddamn James Bond caliber genius for managing to piss in the middle of class without either me or Mrs. Robinns noticing.

“Vamanos, vamanos,” I urged the group of girls as I simultaneously panicked and eyed them all suspiciously, looking for some tell-tale stain or guilty gleam to help me identify the pisser.

I closed the door behind me, found a janitor, told him, ahem, “Something was spilled in room #360.” And walked away without looking back.

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